I'm back!

It's been a long time since I was here last. To be exact, it's been three months! The reason for my absence was that although most of the comments I received from readers were positive, I had a couple of people I know personally contact me directly to state that they found my blog bitter and embarrassing. I tend not to take criticism all that personally, but because the comments came from people I know personally and given the nature of the accusations, I was compelled to take time off to reflect upon my motives.

Three months after my last post, I am resolved that no slander or bitterness was ever intended in my blog. The purpose of my blog has always been to show the real heart of real struggles by a real person trying to live a victorious Christian life. This means that I will share stories from painful and joyful parts of my Christian journey. Real life is full of both pain and joy, so my blog will reflect that. This is not to say that I never struggle with bitterness, hurt, resentment, or any other negative reaction to a situation. I freely admit that there have been people in my life that I had to chose to forgive on a daily basis until all hurt and ill feelings faded from my heart. But you see, that's the heart of the message. As Christians we fail. But with Christ we can persevere to victory!

I hope that clarifies any misunderstandings about my blog, and by extension, my heart. Readers are of course free to believe what they choose. But just so you've heard it from the "horse's mouth" I only seek to encourage you through stories of my struggles and victories.

Being a Virtuous Wife

Yep, that's a true work in progress! Have you read Proverbs 31:10-31 lately? That wife was SUPERWOMAN! I remember discussing the wonder-wife with my former pastor's wife (she is still his wife, he is just not my pastor anymore) and she remarked, "Well, she wasn't all those things at the same time!" Whew! What a relief!

There are many ways in which I could be a more virtuous wife, but the point I'll focus on is verse 15. "She rises while it is still night and gives food to her her household and a portion for her maidens." Humm...I don't have any maidens. Might be easier to be wonder-wife with some extra hands to help. But I digress!

I think that the thought here is that the virtuous wife plans meals ahead, even if just for the day. When it comes to meals, the people in the house know that mom has a plan.

This will look different for different moms, but for me, I like to plan meals a least a week in advance. I prefer to have meals planned for a month. That may sound difficult, but I find it so much easier to plan and prep as much ahead of time as possible. That insures fewer dishes to wash each night, and NO nights of spontaneous eating out because there wasn't time to get supper ready.

Here are some of the things that I do to help with this.

1) I always have biscuit dough in the fridge. I will make a batch of dough, bake half and refrigerate half. My crew loves having a steady supply of biscuits, since they go with virtually any meal and are good at any time of the day. My mother-in-law gave me the recipe that I use, but I do not know where she got it from. I know that the recipe was not her own, so please forgive me for not knowing the original source!

Yeast Biscuits

1 pkg yeast (if you buy yeast in bulk, use 2 1/4 teaspoons)

2 cups very warm water

1 stick of butter

4-5 cups self-rising flour

1 egg

1/4 cup sugar

Dissolve yeast and 1 teaspoon of sugar into 2 tablespoons of water. In a large bowl, melt butter into warm water (but the butter into little pieces first). Beat the egg into the yeast mixture. Add the yeast mixture and sugar to the butter water. Beat in one cup of flour. Add the rest of the flour one two cups at a time, then knead on a floured surface until able to cut biscuits (adding more flour as necessary). Wrap half the dough in plastic wrap and store in the fridge until the next time you want fresh biscuits. Roll and cut the other half. Bake at 400F for 10 minutes.

2) I like to prep and freeze ahead. A great source for learning how to do this is "Once-A-Month Cooking" by Mimi Wilson and Mary Beth Lagerborg. For a person who is just learning how to freeze meals ahead of time, this is a great resource! Even if you are not crazy about all the recipes (some are great and some are "ok") you get the drift of what will freeze well, and how much preparation can be done ahead of time. Once you've used this book a few times, you will find the courage to freeze your own recipes! Note: You can reuse freezer bags by simply washing them out with hot, soapy water. If you use a permanent marker to label your bags, that can be wiped off with fingernail polish or rubbing alcohol. I do not reuse bags that had raw meat in them, however.

3) I like to make master mixes for things like cornbread, granola, pancakes, cakes, etc. The kind of things that can be bought in a box mix, but are just better if it is made from scratch. "Make-A-Mix/Over 300 Easy Recipes for Every Meal of the Day" by Karine Eliason, Nevada Harward, and Madeline Westover, and "More With Less" by Doris Longacre are wonderful resources for this. Note: You can always bake a cake and freeze it in portions suitable for your family. The same concept applies to cookie dough.

4) I like meals that don't cost an arm and a leg to make! "More with Less" by Longacre and "The $5 Dinner Mom Cookbook" by Erin Chase are two of my favorites for this concept. Chase's book also teaches how to coupon, which is a skill I covet to learn! I can't wait to dive into the process of learning how to use coupons effectively!

5) I bake my own bread. I know that bread is not all that expensive to buy from the store, but I just really like making it myself. I find kneading to be very therapeutic, and bread making in general to be very rewarding. This could be because of the aroma of fresh baked bread is so delicious, and my husband and daughter LOVE bread just out of the oven. My absolute favorite book about bread making is, "Breads and Coffee Cakes with Homemade Starters" by Ada Lou Roberts.

Hope that is of help to you! Happy planning!

Living with chronic illness

I had to face the music that I am not considered a "healthy" person at the age of 18, and never will be until I receive my new body in Heaven. I don't mean terminal illness. I have never faced a battle for my life. What I mean to talk about is living with incurable, but not necessarily life-threatening illness.

During my senior year of high school, I started to notice some changes in how I felt, and in how well I was able to concentrate. At times, I felt as though the whole world was fuzzy and that I was walking on marshmallows. Other times, I was in so much pain from severe migraines that I had to stay in bed for days at a time. I also began to have terrible pains in my lower back and abdomen. I did not talk about the pains in my back and abdomen, because I was a shy girl, who did not want to see a gynecologist, nor even talk about female issues.

I was living with my grandmother when all these changes started to take place, so she and I resolved to find out what was wrong. My dad had juvenile diabetes, so my grandmother assumed that was a good place to start testing. We went to see our family doctor, and he agreed to run some tests, starting with diabetes.

I had a glucose tolerance test that came back from the lab as positive. When I went to see a diabetic specialist, however, he ruled out diabetes. He said on a scale of 1-10, 1 being most severe, I was an 11. No diabetes whatsoever. Glad as I was that I did not have diabetes, I was frustrated to be back at square one.

I graduated in May of 1997, and exactly one week later on my 18th birthday, a big piece of the puzzle was solved. I was sitting at my grandmother's kitchen table eating my absolute favorite breakfast of sausage gravy and biscuits, and talking to my brother Joshua on the phone, who was singing me "Happy Birthday." Then I blacked out.

The next thing I remember was laying in my bed as my grandmother was putting a clean shirt on me. I was demanding of her, "Who are you? Who ARE you? Where am I?" I was very disoriented and dizzy as I sat up and saw an ambulance pull up in the street. A paramedic came in and calmed me down. He told me that I was safe, and began to ask me questions.

"What is your name?"

Pause. "Kim."

"What day is it?"

"I don't know..."

"That's ok. How many days in the week?"

"Seven."

"Can you name them?"

"Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday."

"Who is the president?"

"George Washington. No, wait. Bush."

The paramedic explained to me that I had had a seizure and that I had to be taken to the hospital. Later, my grandmother told me that I had gotten on the phone with my brother, screamed, threw my spoon and the phone, then collapsed under the table with a seizure. She called the ambulance, and I became conscious as she was dressing me.

It has been 12 years since my first seizure, and about 11 years since I was officially diagnosed with epilepsy. After the first year of learning how to live with epilepsy, I really have not had a hard time of it. I have learned how to take care of my body so as to prevent seizures, and have found a medicine that keeps almost all of my seizures at bay. I am well enough to drive and function with a mostly normal life. The main difference that has taken place with me is the need for rest, avoid over-stimulation such as flashing lights, loud noises, and strong smells (the mall at Christmastime is a nightmare) and need to handle stress properly--or else have a seizure.

I got married at age 23 to my wonderfully supportive best friend and soul-mate. After four years of marriage, we decided to try for a baby. After a few months, I decided to finally tell a doctor about the abdominal and back pain issues that I had become accustomed to and thought were normal. At age 26, I had my first laprascopy for endometriosis, and was diagnosed with endometriosis and irritable bowel syndrome. The doctor also suspected adenomyosis, but that could not be confirmed without dissecting the uterus. Since I was under 30 and wanted children, a hysterectomy was out of the question. I was eventually declared infertile, and saw a fertility specialist.

In the meantime, I was also diagnosed with pityriasis rubra pilaris (PRP), a rare skin disease. Thankfully, that diagnosis was overtuned, and replaced with "acute eczema." At any rate, I always have rashes splotched on my arms and legs than never go away. Sometimes the rash spreads to my face and back, but those patches seem to go away.

So like I said, epilepsy is no fun, but it's also no biggie for me. Endometriosis was also no fun, but it's not deadly. Virtually everyone I know has eczema of one degree or another, so that is no biggie.

When all of those diagnoses are placed on one sheet of paper along with a venous angioma on my brain and adjustment disorder, I am what you call "uninsurable." None of the conditions I have make me eligible for disability, but all of them together make it nearly impossible for me to hold a steady job. I can't get insurance, even though to look at and talk to me, I am just as healthy as any other 30 year old woman. People would never know to look at me that insurance companies run from me, and doctors are puzzled by me.

I have already stated that this is no biggie for me, so why bring it up at all? Well, to be honest, sometimes I just plain hurt. Other times, I am just so wiped out from something simple such as going out to eat in a place with ceiling fans. And everyday I have to live with the very real fact that I have very real limitations. In short, having chronic illness and pain is exhausting and humbling. Sometimes, it is scary. With my abdominal pain and back pain returning with a vengeance, I struggle with the fear that my daughter is the only child I will ever have.

I used to pray that God would heal my body, and I still have hope that someday He might.

In the meantime, I rejoice! It's not that I like illness or pain. No, but I am thankful to God for the lessons I have learned and am learning. I am thankful for the experience of hours and hours conversing with the Lord about it. I am overwhelmed that He has a record of every tear I have ever shed, and that I am His child.

As I hold my daughter when she is sick and feeling miserable, I cannot help but muse that God has held me close to His bosom at times when I was miserable. In fact, His arms never tire, and He never puts me down.

Church Signs

It's been a while since I've posted, sorry for that! I want to go to a "once a week" model. We'll see how determined I am!

There is a topic that I have been interested in for a while, which includes a local church here in Liberty County. Well, not the church so much as their sign. I suppose I could argue that the sign is a reflection of the church, but to be fair, I've never stepped inside of it.

For those of you who may not be familiar with the concept if church signs, let me briefly explain what I am talking about. Here is the Deep South, there is a church and sometimes multiple churches for every street corner. Also, there can be several churches all lined up on the same street. Most churches, and certainly the traditional ones, have a marquee out front that has a "catchy" phrase that is intended to touch the hearts of the drivers passing by, enticing them toward inner reflection, and even a Sunday morning visit.

I have seen some catchy and even humorous slogans on church signs. My favorite is "God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts." Every time I think of that one I can't help but chuckle.

The one local church I mentioned earlier always has a slogan that gets my attention. Examples are: "You can worship God at the beach, but will you?" This is, of course, scolding people who would rather hit the beach on Sunday morning instead of church. "On judgement day, atheists will learn that there is a God." This being a clear warning to atheists about judgement day. And my personal favorite, "Sleeping saints serve Satan" to which I always follow up with a loud, "sssssssssssss". As a matter of fact, I never read that church's sign without making a loud "hissing" sound after wards. I've been a Christian almost my whole life, and I have no desire whatsoever to darken the door of that church. I shudder to think what the lost think as they drive by.

I have some suggestions for more appropriate and loving church signs: "Atheists, welcome! Please come in and receive a free copy of The Reason for God by Timothy Keller." "Are you hungry? Please come take advantage of our food pantry." "Are you in emotional distress, and wonder if there is more to this life? Please come in, we have all the time you need to address your questions."

But with all the hoop-lah about signs, I stand firm on one principle. If the church wants to reach people, signs are not needed. Feet are. Feet that will go into the highways and byways, taking the Truth with them.

A very hard week

This was one of the hardest weeks we have faced as a family since last March when Nathan was laid off. Even now, we are struggling to deal with all that has happened.

We did not bring in any new clients last week, but that is to be expected. It usually takes two weeks before interested parties become official clients. We have found more than one interested party, but no one is official yet. For me, it's not a done deal until I see a signature on a contract and have a deposit check in hand.

It seems that we made a gigantic mistake in ceasing to market for two months when we hired a marketing person. It was not bad to hire the guy, only to stop marketing while he was still in his probationary period.

As a result, we will be three months behind on our mortgage tomorrow. The "deal" the mortgage company tried to work out with us is totally unfeasible. We will not accept the offer, because we simply can't meet the terms. This means we have until February 20 to pay two months worth of mortgage or face foreclosure proceedings.

Nathan and I were not able to get on the same page about our situation until we first had a nasty fight. It broke our hearts that we were so mean to each other, but we really were. The fight was on Thursday night. Friday morning we looked at each other and MADE ourselves get on the same page. We are in this together, so there is no point in attacking one another! To tell you the truth, agreeing to disagree and play on the same team has moved us out of the misery we were in. Now, we are taking steps to get through this.

Nathan does not want to sell the house, so he is planning to work as hard as he can to bring in enough money to get us out of hot water. I have agreed to help him by continuing to market two times a week.

I, however, feel a sense of urgency to sell this house. When we first moved in, it was very affordable to us, since we both worked full-time. I don't have an outside job and don't plan to get one, since the cost of daycare and Georgia's pedophile rate are both sky-high. I expect that LDF will get back on its feet, but realistically, that could take a month or more. So I am working on selling the house.

And that, my friend, is where we are right now. The pressure has been turned up, and we have a very real deadline. Even though all of that is true and it is our reality, let me tell you some things I am grateful for:

1) Through all of Satan's attacks on our marriage (and they have been numerous and serious) God has blessed us infinitely more. When the heat turns up, we get uncomfortable, and sometimes react in the flesh. God always helps us to become more refined and stronger! We choose to honor our vows: "In sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, as long as we both shall live."

2) Sony continues to be healthy and happy.

3) We have a church that we are visiting, and even have an invitation to eat supper at the pastor's house this week.

4) We are in relatively good health these days. The illness we have faced has only been a result of stress. We trust that as we face this time, the Lord will help us to handle our stress better.

5) The new library in Savannah is wonderful, and gives us a place to get away to, and find some recreation.

6) Our families are being very supportive of us, and not judging us.

7) The Lord is keeping us fed and clothed.

8) If we do lose the house and walk away absolutely penniless and in debt, we both have family that have offered to take us in.

9) GOD IS FOR US, THEREFORE NO ONE CAN BE AGAINST US!

Please pray for us, that God's will will be done, and that we will be faithful to learn all that He has for us!

Back at Work

Yesterday was my first day back to work at Lawson Design Firm (LDF). My position is the same as it was before. I am the person in charge of finding interested clientele, the first stage in marketing. The job is actually perfect for me. I love to talk to people, and I USUALLY don't take the opinions of strangers personally.

I haven't done any work for LDF since October. LDF was doing very well, and so we hired someone to take my place. Well, that didn't really work out, so I'm back on the job. Turns out that not everybody is okay with cold-calling. Go figure.

We decided that all three of us Lawsons would go out on marketing days together. That way, if I found someone who is interested in our services, Nathan can go follow up that same afternoon. That system works VERY well for us. I go meet the people, and then Nathan follows up and closes the deal. We head out at 10 so Sony can take her morning nap on the way into town, and leave town at 3, just in time for her afternoon nap. Since our daughter sleeps well in the car, this works out fabulously. During the time that I am meeting potential clientele, Nathan takes Sony to play in the mall. It makes for a happy day for all of us!

So anyway, yesterday I was so grumpy! I was flodded with such selfish thoughts as, "why do I have to help Nathan? This is HIS business", "I already work full-time, why do I have to do more" and on and on. I dropped Nathan and Sony off at the mall and drove to a business complex, grumping my whole way there.

I got out and walked around, taking an initial survey of the place. I got in my car and prayed, confessing my negativity and selfishness, and asking for Him to lift me out of my pit.

And you know what? I didn't hear God say anything. I didn't find myself washed over with some great revelation. But I tell you what DID happen. I got out of the car and went to WORK.

Through the course of my usual one hour of marketing, I visited six businesses. Everyone was cordial (which is not always the case!) but no one seemed all that interested. Except for one.

I accidentally took a wrong turn, which is not uncommon for me. Actually, when I was in college, I had a Japanese friend who liked going places with me because it was "always an adventure" and she got to "see so much." But I digress.

I took the wrong turn, but just went with it. I figured that no matter which way I turned, I'd find a business that I could go in to. As I suspected, I saw a shop and pulled in.

I introduced myself to the lady and asked her if she was interested in hearing more about LDF. She said, "Oh yes!" and explained to me that she had been charged by her boss to build a website, something she had no experience with. She asked me to come back with Nathan, which of course I did.

The lady talked with Nathan for quite some time. They discussed how that business had hired a web designer a few years ago, who took half of the money for the project, then went out of business. The shop was out $2,500 and did not have a website to show for it. Yikes. To tell you the truth, we hear stories like that a lot in our business.

We explained to her how we run our business, and "Holly" was impressed by that and wanted to see work samples. Nathan obliged, and they discussed Holly's needs in detail. She told Nathan it was a "God-send" that I walked in today, since she is supposed to meet with her boss regarding the website today.

So, needless to say, I am excited to be a work again. It thrills me to see how my strengths plus Nathan's strengths are such a powerful team! Even if there had been no "Holly" yesterday, it would have still been refreshing to talk to GROWN UPS and help out the family business.

Later in the afternoon yesterday, I did think I heard the Spirit whisper a reminder to me...about wives being a suitable helper for husband. I pray that I am a VERY suitable helper!

Oh, and reader, please pray about the potential with Holly!

It never fails...

I don't know about you, but it in my life I seem to be tested on a faith lessons "learned" just about as soon as I declare that I have learned it. In case any one has missed me in the last 11 days, that is why I have not blogged. I was in the midst of a struggle that I thought for sure I had conquered.

As you may know, my husband was laid off last March, and in June he started his own business. While we waited to see if the business would bring in the funds to pay our mortgage, we had the house on the market. We put it up in May, and had it off by August. Until December we had not missed a single payment.

In October, Nathan and I figured out that my training in Mary Kay was a huge asset to Lawson Design Firm (LDF), so I worked twice a week making cold calls for new business. Thanks to the experience and training the Lord gave me through direct sales, coupled with Nathan's natural sales ability, October was a fantastic month for LDF. It is the highest month to date for our budding company.

A month of working part time away from home began to wear on me, not to mention bog Nathan down with more work than he could handle alone. So we decided that Nathan would hire a commission based sales representative. That would free me to work full-time at home (and not leave housework undone, which drives me crazy) and would also free Nathan to work on new projects without having to take off twice a week while I took our one car out cold-calling.

It seemed like a good plan and we were excited about it. Nathan held some interviews and hired the only person who seemed totally excited about the job. He was given a 60 day contract which was also a probationary period. During that time, he was to bring in 5K in new sales, or he would not be offered a new contract. With our new sales associate on board, Nathan and I both sat back and relaxed.

The only problem with that is our new associate did not make one sale. He quit just a week or so before his probationary period was over. During the time he "worked" for LDF he lost a major contract, and nearly scared off a client we had been working with since October by being too pushy. The only good thing we can say about his sales skills is that we do have one strong lead from him to follow up on tomorrow.

Well, the time we relaxed was did not yield good results. In fact, we are now two months behind on our mortgage, and have not paid even one bill for the month of January. So all that talk of me being and feeling safe in the Lord was severely tested last week. I guess it still is being tested. When will I learn to stop saying that I've learned not to worry? I think that I just need to learn to keep quiet!

So anyway, a spirit of despair threatened to take over Lawson House (the name Nathan and I have given to our household) for the past 11 days. We have blamed ourselves for spiritual weakness, our sales associate for being so bad at sales, our attitudes, and questioned our ability to run a business. We even questioned if starting LDF was a big mistake.

Our mortgage lender called and called and sent letters trying to get us to accept "President Obama's Making Home Affordable Plan," and used the "f" word (foreclosure) with each contact with us. Needless to say, we felt trapped and even felt like we were drowning.

So we did all we knew to do. We argued with each other, called out desperately to God, and prayed and prayed and prayed.

Now the house is back on the market, and we have worked out a reasonable plan with the mortgage company to pay what we owe. We did NOT accept the government plan. The reasons for that are for another blog. Anyway, we worked out a plan with our lender, not the government.

We were hit square between the eyes with the fact that God blessed LDF when Nathan and I worked together. This is not to say that we think God wants me to work for LDF forever. But we definitely have decided to go back the October model. We have recommitted to both of us working as hard as we can, and not to take one step with LDF that we do not have PERFECT peace about.

We still don't know exactly what it is that we did wrong. Was it a spiritual weakness? Was it some sin? Was it the mere fact that this time of the year is the toughest on sales nationwide? Who knows?

But we do know that our faith was tested. We were tempted to despair, and struggled with the enemy of our souls against worry, anger, and a host of other negative emotions. But some truths kept coming to mind. One was Matthew 6 in regards to God taking care of our needs. And the other was more prevalent, 2 Corinthians 4:8 "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair"

So the fact of the matter is that we are out of imminent danger of foreclosure, and can focus on the other bills that need to be paid for this month, including a credit card bill that we are court-ordered to pay. That's just the raw truth about it. Honestly, most of our financial woes we brought completely on ourselves. What we deal with not is not punishment from God, but the mere natural consequences of sin. Truth be told, the Lord has been gracious to spare us of what we really deserve, because "he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve" (Psalm 103:10). By God's grace, we only have two credit cards left to pay on. But it is still true that if we had not taken out so much debt in the first years of our marriage, we would not be in the mess we are in now. God has forgiven us, and removed that sin from us. But there are still consequences.

Like I said, though, God is notorious for NOT giving us what we deserve. We are headed into the work week with a joyful expectation, and a peace that only He can give. Our circumstances have not changed, but our hearts have.

We do have two new leads, though. One contacted us from another state, which is particuarly exciting. The other one is a contact made by our sales associate. Hopefully, we can make enough money to get caught up on our bills and find some "stability" again (and take the house back off the market). But until then, we choose to trust and obey, and thank God for never giving up on us!

As for me, I will not say that I have learned my lesson. I am only grateful that He continues to work on my stubborn heart!