A very hard week

This was one of the hardest weeks we have faced as a family since last March when Nathan was laid off. Even now, we are struggling to deal with all that has happened.

We did not bring in any new clients last week, but that is to be expected. It usually takes two weeks before interested parties become official clients. We have found more than one interested party, but no one is official yet. For me, it's not a done deal until I see a signature on a contract and have a deposit check in hand.

It seems that we made a gigantic mistake in ceasing to market for two months when we hired a marketing person. It was not bad to hire the guy, only to stop marketing while he was still in his probationary period.

As a result, we will be three months behind on our mortgage tomorrow. The "deal" the mortgage company tried to work out with us is totally unfeasible. We will not accept the offer, because we simply can't meet the terms. This means we have until February 20 to pay two months worth of mortgage or face foreclosure proceedings.

Nathan and I were not able to get on the same page about our situation until we first had a nasty fight. It broke our hearts that we were so mean to each other, but we really were. The fight was on Thursday night. Friday morning we looked at each other and MADE ourselves get on the same page. We are in this together, so there is no point in attacking one another! To tell you the truth, agreeing to disagree and play on the same team has moved us out of the misery we were in. Now, we are taking steps to get through this.

Nathan does not want to sell the house, so he is planning to work as hard as he can to bring in enough money to get us out of hot water. I have agreed to help him by continuing to market two times a week.

I, however, feel a sense of urgency to sell this house. When we first moved in, it was very affordable to us, since we both worked full-time. I don't have an outside job and don't plan to get one, since the cost of daycare and Georgia's pedophile rate are both sky-high. I expect that LDF will get back on its feet, but realistically, that could take a month or more. So I am working on selling the house.

And that, my friend, is where we are right now. The pressure has been turned up, and we have a very real deadline. Even though all of that is true and it is our reality, let me tell you some things I am grateful for:

1) Through all of Satan's attacks on our marriage (and they have been numerous and serious) God has blessed us infinitely more. When the heat turns up, we get uncomfortable, and sometimes react in the flesh. God always helps us to become more refined and stronger! We choose to honor our vows: "In sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, as long as we both shall live."

2) Sony continues to be healthy and happy.

3) We have a church that we are visiting, and even have an invitation to eat supper at the pastor's house this week.

4) We are in relatively good health these days. The illness we have faced has only been a result of stress. We trust that as we face this time, the Lord will help us to handle our stress better.

5) The new library in Savannah is wonderful, and gives us a place to get away to, and find some recreation.

6) Our families are being very supportive of us, and not judging us.

7) The Lord is keeping us fed and clothed.

8) If we do lose the house and walk away absolutely penniless and in debt, we both have family that have offered to take us in.

9) GOD IS FOR US, THEREFORE NO ONE CAN BE AGAINST US!

Please pray for us, that God's will will be done, and that we will be faithful to learn all that He has for us!

Back at Work

Yesterday was my first day back to work at Lawson Design Firm (LDF). My position is the same as it was before. I am the person in charge of finding interested clientele, the first stage in marketing. The job is actually perfect for me. I love to talk to people, and I USUALLY don't take the opinions of strangers personally.

I haven't done any work for LDF since October. LDF was doing very well, and so we hired someone to take my place. Well, that didn't really work out, so I'm back on the job. Turns out that not everybody is okay with cold-calling. Go figure.

We decided that all three of us Lawsons would go out on marketing days together. That way, if I found someone who is interested in our services, Nathan can go follow up that same afternoon. That system works VERY well for us. I go meet the people, and then Nathan follows up and closes the deal. We head out at 10 so Sony can take her morning nap on the way into town, and leave town at 3, just in time for her afternoon nap. Since our daughter sleeps well in the car, this works out fabulously. During the time that I am meeting potential clientele, Nathan takes Sony to play in the mall. It makes for a happy day for all of us!

So anyway, yesterday I was so grumpy! I was flodded with such selfish thoughts as, "why do I have to help Nathan? This is HIS business", "I already work full-time, why do I have to do more" and on and on. I dropped Nathan and Sony off at the mall and drove to a business complex, grumping my whole way there.

I got out and walked around, taking an initial survey of the place. I got in my car and prayed, confessing my negativity and selfishness, and asking for Him to lift me out of my pit.

And you know what? I didn't hear God say anything. I didn't find myself washed over with some great revelation. But I tell you what DID happen. I got out of the car and went to WORK.

Through the course of my usual one hour of marketing, I visited six businesses. Everyone was cordial (which is not always the case!) but no one seemed all that interested. Except for one.

I accidentally took a wrong turn, which is not uncommon for me. Actually, when I was in college, I had a Japanese friend who liked going places with me because it was "always an adventure" and she got to "see so much." But I digress.

I took the wrong turn, but just went with it. I figured that no matter which way I turned, I'd find a business that I could go in to. As I suspected, I saw a shop and pulled in.

I introduced myself to the lady and asked her if she was interested in hearing more about LDF. She said, "Oh yes!" and explained to me that she had been charged by her boss to build a website, something she had no experience with. She asked me to come back with Nathan, which of course I did.

The lady talked with Nathan for quite some time. They discussed how that business had hired a web designer a few years ago, who took half of the money for the project, then went out of business. The shop was out $2,500 and did not have a website to show for it. Yikes. To tell you the truth, we hear stories like that a lot in our business.

We explained to her how we run our business, and "Holly" was impressed by that and wanted to see work samples. Nathan obliged, and they discussed Holly's needs in detail. She told Nathan it was a "God-send" that I walked in today, since she is supposed to meet with her boss regarding the website today.

So, needless to say, I am excited to be a work again. It thrills me to see how my strengths plus Nathan's strengths are such a powerful team! Even if there had been no "Holly" yesterday, it would have still been refreshing to talk to GROWN UPS and help out the family business.

Later in the afternoon yesterday, I did think I heard the Spirit whisper a reminder to me...about wives being a suitable helper for husband. I pray that I am a VERY suitable helper!

Oh, and reader, please pray about the potential with Holly!

It never fails...

I don't know about you, but it in my life I seem to be tested on a faith lessons "learned" just about as soon as I declare that I have learned it. In case any one has missed me in the last 11 days, that is why I have not blogged. I was in the midst of a struggle that I thought for sure I had conquered.

As you may know, my husband was laid off last March, and in June he started his own business. While we waited to see if the business would bring in the funds to pay our mortgage, we had the house on the market. We put it up in May, and had it off by August. Until December we had not missed a single payment.

In October, Nathan and I figured out that my training in Mary Kay was a huge asset to Lawson Design Firm (LDF), so I worked twice a week making cold calls for new business. Thanks to the experience and training the Lord gave me through direct sales, coupled with Nathan's natural sales ability, October was a fantastic month for LDF. It is the highest month to date for our budding company.

A month of working part time away from home began to wear on me, not to mention bog Nathan down with more work than he could handle alone. So we decided that Nathan would hire a commission based sales representative. That would free me to work full-time at home (and not leave housework undone, which drives me crazy) and would also free Nathan to work on new projects without having to take off twice a week while I took our one car out cold-calling.

It seemed like a good plan and we were excited about it. Nathan held some interviews and hired the only person who seemed totally excited about the job. He was given a 60 day contract which was also a probationary period. During that time, he was to bring in 5K in new sales, or he would not be offered a new contract. With our new sales associate on board, Nathan and I both sat back and relaxed.

The only problem with that is our new associate did not make one sale. He quit just a week or so before his probationary period was over. During the time he "worked" for LDF he lost a major contract, and nearly scared off a client we had been working with since October by being too pushy. The only good thing we can say about his sales skills is that we do have one strong lead from him to follow up on tomorrow.

Well, the time we relaxed was did not yield good results. In fact, we are now two months behind on our mortgage, and have not paid even one bill for the month of January. So all that talk of me being and feeling safe in the Lord was severely tested last week. I guess it still is being tested. When will I learn to stop saying that I've learned not to worry? I think that I just need to learn to keep quiet!

So anyway, a spirit of despair threatened to take over Lawson House (the name Nathan and I have given to our household) for the past 11 days. We have blamed ourselves for spiritual weakness, our sales associate for being so bad at sales, our attitudes, and questioned our ability to run a business. We even questioned if starting LDF was a big mistake.

Our mortgage lender called and called and sent letters trying to get us to accept "President Obama's Making Home Affordable Plan," and used the "f" word (foreclosure) with each contact with us. Needless to say, we felt trapped and even felt like we were drowning.

So we did all we knew to do. We argued with each other, called out desperately to God, and prayed and prayed and prayed.

Now the house is back on the market, and we have worked out a reasonable plan with the mortgage company to pay what we owe. We did NOT accept the government plan. The reasons for that are for another blog. Anyway, we worked out a plan with our lender, not the government.

We were hit square between the eyes with the fact that God blessed LDF when Nathan and I worked together. This is not to say that we think God wants me to work for LDF forever. But we definitely have decided to go back the October model. We have recommitted to both of us working as hard as we can, and not to take one step with LDF that we do not have PERFECT peace about.

We still don't know exactly what it is that we did wrong. Was it a spiritual weakness? Was it some sin? Was it the mere fact that this time of the year is the toughest on sales nationwide? Who knows?

But we do know that our faith was tested. We were tempted to despair, and struggled with the enemy of our souls against worry, anger, and a host of other negative emotions. But some truths kept coming to mind. One was Matthew 6 in regards to God taking care of our needs. And the other was more prevalent, 2 Corinthians 4:8 "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair"

So the fact of the matter is that we are out of imminent danger of foreclosure, and can focus on the other bills that need to be paid for this month, including a credit card bill that we are court-ordered to pay. That's just the raw truth about it. Honestly, most of our financial woes we brought completely on ourselves. What we deal with not is not punishment from God, but the mere natural consequences of sin. Truth be told, the Lord has been gracious to spare us of what we really deserve, because "he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve" (Psalm 103:10). By God's grace, we only have two credit cards left to pay on. But it is still true that if we had not taken out so much debt in the first years of our marriage, we would not be in the mess we are in now. God has forgiven us, and removed that sin from us. But there are still consequences.

Like I said, though, God is notorious for NOT giving us what we deserve. We are headed into the work week with a joyful expectation, and a peace that only He can give. Our circumstances have not changed, but our hearts have.

We do have two new leads, though. One contacted us from another state, which is particuarly exciting. The other one is a contact made by our sales associate. Hopefully, we can make enough money to get caught up on our bills and find some "stability" again (and take the house back off the market). But until then, we choose to trust and obey, and thank God for never giving up on us!

As for me, I will not say that I have learned my lesson. I am only grateful that He continues to work on my stubborn heart!

Hypocrites

I have had several conversations lately with Christians who have stopped going to church and stopped living the Christian life. The reason for many of them leaving the church can be summed up in one word: hypocrites. Many have been burned by churches and churchy people. In the midst of their trials, many people are choosing to leave the church all together.

I can't say that I blame them. I mean, Nathan and I have been hurt deeply by people who choose to be religious yet refuse to seek a true relationship with the living God. We have struggled to even want to be in church, because we find it nearly impossible to trust people who go to church.

And take the current political climate in America as another example. Of course people are putting their trust in a system that is promising to take care of the poor and needy. I say, shame on the Church for not doing her job to take care of the widows and the orphans, to sell what they have to give to those in need, and to speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves. If Christians had done what they were commanded to do, our society would not be looking for the government to solve societal problems. I can see why people want to trust the government. The Church has not proved trustworthy or loving.

But you know what? The triune God has never lied to me. He has never broken a promise, or left me stranded. He has never given me what I deserve (which is death) but has showered me in love. His people (including ME) may have failed and may still fail. But HE has never failed.

So as for me, I choose to obey Him. I will continue to fellowship with imperfect believers. I choose to love my enemies and pray for those who despitefully use me. I choose to forgive and let God heal me and move me forward. I choose to share whatever resources I have, and minister to others even when I don't feel like it. I choose God's Word over my emotions.

It is not EASY to obey, but I choose to trust God for the strength to do so.

Anything less than that makes ME a hypocrite.

Nagging

Yep, it's that thing that all of us Christian wives say we don't do, but probably all struggle with from time to time. Okay, so maybe YOU don't. But I sure do! I'll keep this all about my struggle, to keep from stepping on anybody's toes.

I did my internship for Teaching English as a Foreign Language in a small town in South Korea. As is typical for Asian students, I was given many gifts while I was there. Since I was engaged to be married within weeks of returning from South Korea, several of my gifts were wedding gifts.

One in particular was a set of Korean Wedding Ducks. These are a male and female wooden mallard ducks. The female mallard has a ribbon tied around her beak to remind the new wife not to nag. Yes, that ribbon was lost years ago, and I have not bothered to tie a new one.

We have all heard that we cannot change our spouses, but for some reason I just keep trying. For instance, for over seven years I have been urging, begging and even demanding that my husband say "excuse me" when he burps. He just won't do it. To tell you the truth, he does not change any of his patterns of behavior based on my "advice", "sincere heart-to-hearts", "arguing", "complaining" or any other euphemism for nagging.

Well, lately my husband has just hasn't been himself. Yes, he still refuses to say "excuse me" when gasses emit from his body. That has become an endless game between us. What I mean is that it seemed like there was something bothering him deep down. In a place in his spirit that only God could get to. I had my speculations on what the problem was, but didn't know for sure. After all, I could only see how he was looking different and not acting like himself. I could not, however, see into his soul.

So I tried something new this morning in my morning devotions. I decided to spend most of the time praying for him. My prayers were all over the place, trying to psycho-anaylize and spiritualize Nathan's feelings, and then ask God to fix problems perceived there. In my conversation with the Lord, I heard one message loud and clear. Only He knew what was facing my husband. I needed simply to pray that God would speak to Nathan, and trust that he would listen.

That sounded like a really good plan. I told God that I was not able to give my husband a spiritual diagnosis, nor qualified to tell God what was wrong and give Him the prescription to fix Nathan. I told God that I trusted that Nathan would listen because he truly wants to be God's man.

Incidentally, I have had to eat crow more than once when I have been on my knees praying for Nathan. More than once when I have been asking God to make Nathan more patient with me, God has shown me how difficult I am to live with. There have been other times that I have begged God to show Nathan how my answer to a financial problem is better than his, only for God to humble me with the realization that Nathan was right all along. In short, I have been on my knees pointing my finger at Nathan, only to have God hold up a mirror to show my finger pointing back at me.

Anyways, I finished my quiet time then went about my day. Late in the afternoon I got a call from Nathan. He was very excited about a truth that God had revealed to him. Now, what he was dealing with is personal, and so I won't share it. I will say, however, that all of my diagnoses were completely off. But God knew, and He spoke to the heart of the problem.

And guess what? God fixed it, and didn't even need me to do it. I think I need to find a replacement ribbon for that female mallard...

The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. James 5:16b NLT

My Sweet Pea

There is so much about God's love that I did not understand until I became a mother. My Sweet Pea was born a year ago December, after a bitter struggle with infertility, endometriosis, surgeries, and doctor upon doctor. The moment I saw her, all the struggle was instantly rewarded.

To this day, there are few sounds I love to hear more than my Sweet Pea's voice, especially when she calls, "mama-mama-mama". She is a joy to my heart when she's being sweet, when she needs her diaper changed, when she's slapping me (which hurts, by the way) when she's laughing and when she's crying.

I cannot imagine a single thing that I would not do for her, if it were in my power to do it, and if it would not hurt her.

But there are some things that are beyond my power. For example, I cannot make food instantly appear when she is hungry. She must wait for me to prepare her food. Not only that, I cannot make her pain disappear immediately when she bumps her head on the hardwood floor. Possibly the most frustrating of my incapabilities is that I cannot understand what she tries so hard to tell me through baby babble.

There are also things that I cannot do for her because they would hurt her. I cannot let her play with my knife, even though it obviously holds her curiosity. I also cannot let her play in the toilet. Nor can I allow her to pull on the dog's ears.

But do you know what? She never doubts that I will feed her. She does not wonder if she will have a place to sleep, or if I will hold her when she's sad or upset. She assumes that if she wants her "mama-mama-mama" that I will come running. You know why? Because she trusts me. She does not doubt that her mama has it under control.

Such a lesson to be learned from Sweet Pea! Here I am, a sinful flesh-and-blood human being, yet I long and strive to love my daughter. I do all that I can to insure her health, happiness, and total well-being. And she never doubts me.

Yet, I am God's child. The God of this universe is perfect and holy. He does not have limitations like I do. In fact, He does not have any limitations. He loves me so much that he gave His Son for me, to insure my eternity with Him. He withholds that which would harm me, and lavishes all sorts of blessings on me.

Yet look at me! On any given day you could come to my house and find me fretting. Bills need to be paid. Groceries to be bought. Relationships need to be mended. Dreams long to be fulfilled. I wonder how similar my cries are to Sweet Pea's in the ears of God...

How sad that my daughter can trust me, but I have trouble trusting God.

Lord, I believe! Help my unbelief!

New Covenant Presbyterian

This is a blog I am a little nervous about writing. But, here I go anyway...

Nathan and I have been looking for a new church ever since we were booted out of our last one for reasons stated in the Forgiveness blog. If you want the gory details on that story, however, you're looking in the wrong place...I'm tired of telling that story!

So anyway, since last March we have only seriously "courted" two churches. One was in Savannah, and one was in Hinesville. As you may imagine, we are not what you would call "ready" to marry a church. What we do want, however, is to be obedient to God's command to worship with believers. Needless to say, corporate worship has been more of a matter of obedience than desire for about a year now.

We are not looking for a perfect church, because 1) one does not exist and 2) if one DID exist, we could not be a part of it, imperfect as we are. We have been looking for, however, a church with solid doctrine and genuine people. Proximity of no farther than 20 minutes away would be a plus, but not necessary if we could find relevance, strong doctrine and genuine people all in one place.

Now, if you are reading this blog and have been or are members of the church in Savannah or Hinesville (if you are, you'll know) please don't be offended by the following sentiment: We have found that many of the churches in Savannah totally miss the mark. A church may be contemporary but lack depth, or be traditional and also lack depth. Most lack warmth all together. We have often lamented the lack of spiritual depth in this area, and have prayed for God to send missionaries here. We have encountered the same spirit in many churches. It is a spirit that says, "This is what we do, this is how we do it, and that's that."

What is incredible to me is that traditional and contemporary churches seem to have the same problem. They SEEM to be more interested in "how" they want to proclaim the scriptures than in actually proclaiming the scriptures.

For instance, in one church the pastor proclaimed from the stage that they do things loud and fun, and they would NOT turn in down. The only problem that presented to us was the issue of the strobe lights. Since I have epilepsy, that church was out. That's too bad. Thousands of people in the Savannah area have epilepsy and will therefore be prevented from hearing the Word of God at that church. And the attitude of "we will NOT change, even for YOU" does not denote love.

At another church, a main leader lives a different life on Facebook than in church. Now, don't get me wrong, I think people take social networking way too seriously! But if leaders of a church actually have to post on their Facebook pages that the thoughts and views expressed on their page are not the thoughts and views of the church, there is a double standard. We are to be the same no matter where we are. And the way I understand scripture, that applies all the more to church leaders.

So, anyways, we decided to visit a totally new denomination for us as a couple, the Presbyterian Church of America (PCA). This made us nervous because of some doctrinal differences (which are minor, and definitely not deal-breakers. We do have a list of deal-breakers, but the PCA does not conflict with that list) and MAJOR style-preference differences (also not deal-breakers).

But can I tell you that we walked away from church last night feeling a little confused? What were we confused about you may wonder. Well, how is it that we could not slip in and slip out unnoticed? I mean, people actually SPOKE to us, and went out of their way to make us feel welcome. Weird. We almost did not know how to talk to people. We have never been spoken to so much in church, even when Nathan was on staff.

Not only that, the pastor was out of town so he had his best friend fill in. When we heard that, we expected to see "Billy Bob" in his plaid shirt and straw hat, all prepared to share "what ever was on his heart." But no, the pastor's best friend is an ordained, educated pastor from South Carolina who came all the way to Coastal Georgia to assist in--get this--the mission work of New Covenant Presbyterian in Coastal Georgia. What? You mean the Word of God is treated with respect? You mean the person teaching the Word is actually trained to rightly divide it? And the church plant is considered mission work? You mean you don't suppose that the Deep South is already reached? Where WERE we? Certainly not in the sticks...certainly not in an area where the SBC does not have any new work going...(we called the association and asked, trust me when I say there is nothing new)

The message was out of I Corinthians 1:18-25, about the wisdom of man versus the wisdom of God. It was SO relevant to where we are right now. We deeply appreciated intelligent handling of the Word, combined with practical application. The guest pastor made some points that struck a chord with us. One was the "wild" notion that the biggest, best band (you know, all the new, contemporary styles) are not what will reach the people. What will reach the people is the truth of the Gospel. Then there was the statement, "We are called to preach the Good News, not to edit it." He admonished us to go out and live our lives as Christians, share the Word everywhere we go, sow the seed everyday, and leave the increase to Him. Wow. So simple, yet so powerful, and so true.

Now, lest you forget, we are firm Southern Baptists. We are used to loud bands, a little shouting now and then, a meet and greet, and an invitation (usually something especially touching that the band played after the meet and greet, or else a trusted hymn such as "Just As I Am" or "Softly and Tenderly"). So the solemnity and reverence in the Presbyterian service is new to us. Nathan said the Presbyterian service made him think of TV, with a show playing and constantly interrupted by commercials. He meant the order of the service with the liturgy and the payers and sermon. We both agreed that the prayers seemed like mini-sermons, the liturgical recitations and readings like commercials, the sermon was the heart of the program, and finished by more commercials. We laughed at the analogy. We figure the Southern Baptist traditions could be analyzed the same way.

But will you permit me to say that it was refreshing? To be in a place where God's Word is so highly respected, yet the people so incredibly warm and inviting? There was no slipping in and out unnoticed at New Covenant. And there were no notes passed between Nathan and I during the sermon debunking the pastor's opinions with the Truth of Scripture, or worse yet, filling in the gaps of a poorly prepared sermon. What we saw and heard was the Gospel Truth, and the Gospel action. The wheels in my head and heart are still turning...

Does that mean we are ready to jump into the new member's class? No, certainly not yet. But for once in what seems like forever, we are genuinely interested in a local church. We do not feel an obligation (strongly laced with skepticism) to return. We are actually interested.

We know that the problems we have seen in Baptist churches exist everywhere. We seem, as Christians in general, to fall into the trap of thinking that we have already arrived in our spiritual journeys and consequently become puffed up with self-righteousness about all of our knowledge and "right" behavior. Whether a person is proud because of how solemn and intellectual their worship is, or because of how contemporary and fun it is, pride in ourselves is sin. So let me reiterate: we are not looking for a perfect church. One does not exist.

But I have to admit. We are both very interested in this one particular (and peculiar) local body.

Patience

Well, today I was once again faced with how impatient I am! Nothing in my sin-nature disgusts me more than how short-tempered and flat-out mean I can be sometimes. I find myself being so quick to snap at my husband or even get frustrated with my precious daughter. I pray that I will be more like Christ and less like me for THEIR sakes. Especially for my Sony's sake. I want to be a model for her that will point her TO Christ and not AGAINST Him. Thankfully, I don't think she's ever known when I've been frustrated. Ooooooh, but she's getting smart fast....I praise God that He gives me another chance every time. And I pray that He will gentle me.

Galatians 5:22-23 (New International Version)

²²But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Happy at Home

When my husband and I were engaged, we went through the typical pre-marital counseling with my senior pastor, Jeff. The counseling was a great experience, and taught us valuable lessons that helped us as newlyweds and still help us today. We worked through a workbook together, prayed together, and even took a personality test. I would say almost everything that was said and done in that counseling was a good thing. Almost.

There was one session that is forever burned in my memory. Not the whole session, really, but a statement made by Jeff during the session. He asked us what we thought our greatest need in marriage would be. I think Nathan said companionship. Jeff told me that it would be my job to be Nathan's companion. My answer was security. I wasn't all that sure what I meant by that, other than I expected that in marriage I would feel safe. Jeff looked at Nathan and told him emphatically that his number one job as my husband would be to make sure I was safe, and that I felt safe. I'm sure Nathan and I thought that our declared jobs would be easy. We both heartily agreed to fulfill our jobs. To tell the truth, we just wanted to be done with the session so we could spend the day together.

Well, needless to say, the charge to Nathan to make sure I was safe and felt safe rang in my ears after we were married. Whenever I didn't feel safe, I figured that Nathan must not be doing his job.

When we first got married we lived in Augusta, just minutes from Nathan's parent's home. We rented his aunt's house for a small $350 per month. Nathan had plenty of immediate and extended family in Augusta, and I had no one close by. Yes, of course, I had my in-laws. But I mean I didn't have anyone from MY network. I had been living Columbia, SC for the past 5 years, so all my friends were there. And my family does not live close to Augusta.

Well, consider that my family is not tight-knit, but Nathan's is. And now I was part of his tight-knit family. I guess you could say that I was overwhelmed. I mean, when an in-law had a problem with any family member, they actually talked about it, and sometimes fought it out. Such communication was unheard of in my family. I took the adjustment into such an open environment very hard, and felt very unsafe. I figured Nathan wasn't doing what he was charged to do, make me feel safe.

Well, a year passed and we moved to Savannah for Nathan to go to school at the Savannah College of Art and Design (SCAD). Savannah was a good three hours from Augusta. A SAFE three hours. So, I figured Nathan had done his job, and I was happy.

Not long after moving to Savannah, we realized I needed to get a job worthy of a college education (not in foodservice, which is where I was). Afterall, rent in Savannah is more than $350 per month, and Nathan could not work full time and go to school full time. Not at SCAD. I had just finished a Masters Degree in Teaching English as a Foreign Language, but could not land a job in the field. So, I did some research and found out that the state of Georgia would let me teach school as long as I was working on a teaching certificate.

I got a job teaching in an inner-city school in Chatham County, and went to school at night to earn my certification. But you guessed it. The inner city school was violent. Teachers with a degree in teaching do not generally respect teachers without a degree in the field, and tend to treat them like classroom aides. So, I didn't feel safe. Guess who I thought wasn't doing his job again?

Two years passed, and money got tighter. My teaching salary and Nathan's pay wasn't bringing in enough money to live on. We chose to use credit instead of finding another route to cash. I began to feel very unsafe in our finances. At this point, I figured Nathan had forgotten that his was his job to make me feel safe.

I started to close up and withdraw. My work environment was getting worse, and our finances were getting worse. At the end of my second year of teaching, I found myself in professional counseling. I was an insecure basket case. For one, I thought that my self-worth had to do with how well I thrived in my job. I'll blog about that another time. For another thing, I thought the world could crumble at any moment because we depended on my paycheck. I felt that pressure so strongly, it threatened to break me. I didn't feel safe.

At the end of my third year of teaching, I was asked to take back my letter of intent. I had been sick that year and had two surgeries. The principal told me to tell future school systems that I took time off for my health, and promised to give me a positive recommendation for future employment in another school. You are a good teacher, he said. You just don't fit in here. Wow. I really did not feel safe.

About that time, I was introduced to a direct-sales cosmetics company. I dove head-long into that and LOVED it. I was good at it, and it was bringing in as much money as teaching had. I felt safe. Until my first month of slow sales. Then I got pregnant and was put on bed rest. kind of hard to sell makeup from a bed. So I had to lay that job aside. By that time, however, Nathan had a job making more money than me, so I felt relatively safe.

Then the baby was born, and Nathan was laid off.

Uh-oh.

But then something incredible began to happen. There we were, no savings to speak of, and very little severance coming our way. Despite all that was making me feel so unsafe, we continued to be safe.

Month after month passed, and we were eating and paying our bills.

Then one day, it hit me. We had lost all of our security. We lost our jobs, and we lost our support system. But we were still safe.

On our wedding day, my father-in-law prayed for Nathan and me. Amongst the things he prayed, he asked God to show Nathan that there were some things that he would never be able to do for me. He asked God to help Nathan to entrust me to Him, as the only one who could meet my needs. I didn't understand what Tim was talking about. I do now, though.

Some time last year I realized that it was never Nathan's job to make me feel safe. That was something I had to ask God for. And I realized that all those times that I didn't feel safe, I was safe, because God had never changed. James 1:17 states, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.”

Granted, we made some tragic mistakes with money. That is for another post. The point is that my security was never supposed to be found in my job, money, or Nathan. God has promised in His Word that he is our refuge in times of trouble, he knows all of our needs, and that He will take care of all of our needs (Psalm 46:1; Matthew 6:25-34).

I finally learned that only God can be God, and that it was wrong for me to ever expect my husband to fill a need that only God could fill.

So what does any of this have to do with the title for today's post, "Happy at Home"? Well, learning to find security in God and His Word makes days like today possible. Today was a particularly enjoyable day. Nathan and our daughter and I just stayed at home all day, enjoying one another. We are flat-broke, low on everything from gas to food, living without cable, or with any idea of when Nathan will get paid again by his small business. But you know what? I feel truly happy. And I feel safe. I trust God, that He is in charge. I trust Him that He keeps His Word. I believe that as long as He is what we want the most, and what we seek first, that our needs will be met.

I don't just feel safe. I know that I am safe.

Forgiveness

Many families across America are facing tough economic times. Mine and my husband's families are no exception. To make Christmas more comfortable for everyone, my in-laws decided last year that the adults should draw names. We then create lists of items under $20 that we would like and circulate it around to the families. This year I had "any book by Beth Moore" on my list.

I lucked out this year and got two books by Moore from my "secret Santa," my sister-in-law, Charlotte. I think God led her to the books, Praying God's Word and Get out of that Pit. I was ecstatic when I opened the books, but quickly decided to read Praying God's Word first, because I am definitely not in a pit.

Well, as it so happens, I am not usually one to read one book at a time. It's not that I love reading so much that I just have to have multiple books going. It's that I have a knack for leaving my books wherever I finished reading them last. Frustrated that I cannot find the book I want, I grab whichever book I find first.

That is where I found myself just yesterday morning. I could not find Praying God's Word, so I grabbed Get Out of that Pit. Well, it only took the first chapter for Beth to do what she usually does in her books, and that's candidly point out that I can indeed, learn something from what God has taught her on any particular topic.

Today, I chose Get out of that Pit on purpose. I was sure that since Beth had convinced me through scripture that I had been in pits in the past and may possibly be in one now, I should keep reading. Afterall, if I was in a pit I didn't want to stay there!

As I began chapter two, I heard myself saying, YES! Somebody understands that sometimes we are thrown into pits. Sometimes we are treated like Joseph, where people we love and trust throw us into a big, deep, dark, inescapable hole, with a nasty dirt floor. Sometimes we are in a pit because someone hurt us, and we suffer because of their sins. YES, I thought. I DESERVE to be here. Let those who threw me in come help me out!

Now, why is it that I felt this way? Simply put, my husband was laid off in March 2009 by a church. Not just any church, either. One of the largest and most alive churches of our denomination in the area. And it wasn't done in love. My husband's name was smeared, as he was accused of stealing. And he was threatened with loss of his small severance if he did not fulfill a list of demands, namely that he stay for a week to train a replacement. Now, my husband was the church's creative director, with years of training from the Savannah College of Art and Design. To even insinuate that he should or even could pass on his knowledge in one week was ludicrous and an insult to his professionalism.

My daughter was only three months old. I have epilepsy. We were in debt up to our eyeballs and trying to fight our way out of it using the lessons we learned from Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University.

It was at that low point that we were about to lose our income, our health insurance, and our network. Was I mad at God? No. But I was spitting mad at His people. I had trusted them. I had sacrificed six out of seven evenings per week with my husband for them. I had opened up my heart and my life, and they poured boiling oil onto my exposed soul.

So, YES, I thought. YES! I was thrown in that pit, and now Beth is giving me the affirmation I needed that it was not my fault that wrong was done to me!

So, naturally, I kept reading. Beth was making me feel better, afterall. Then she said what I did not want to hear. Forgive them, she said. Forgive them? I'm pretty sure I've already done that, Beth. I am a Christian, after all. I mean, I went to Bible college. I know that we are commanded to forgive, and I've done it.

Oh, really? I felt the Sprit gently probe. Do you love them? Would you speak to them if you saw them in Wal-Mart? What would you do if you saw them in public? How would you react? How would you respond if your daughter announced she had a new friend with one of their last names?

Instantly I recalled that I had often pictured one of the church members with horns under his hair. And just last week I dreamt I was in a fist-fight with another one. I woke from that dream invigorated, and told my husband that it felt so real, that I was downright just as happy as if I really had beat the woman up.

So, I hadn't forgiven them.

But God, we would have been out of debt by now if it weren't for them. We'd have money saved if it weren't for them. My daughter would have other kids to play with, and would have had a baby dedication if it weren't for them. If it weren't for them we would never have been in this pit, we'd have friends, we'd be better off.

I kept on reading. Beth reminded me that God knows the plans He has for us. That God never lies. That God never orchestrates sin. And that God sometimes lets us get thrown, like Joseph, into a pit, so that He can use us to bless others.

But then the clincher. The Spirit reminded me of a verse my husband read to me just last night. "...Christ Jesus died for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God's right hand, pleading for us." (Romans 8:34) It hit me like a ton of bricks. Jesus Christ was spat upon, slapped in the face, falsely accused, mocked, mistreated, abused, abandoned, and betrayed. Yet He pleads for us. Kim, those people sinned against you, but they are also my children. Christ pleads for them, as well.

Suddenly, I realized how unfathomable it is for me to withhold forgiveness. What? Did I actually think I was above CHRIST? He didn't shout from the cross, commanding hail the size of mini vans to destroy human kind. He didn't curse from the cross, telling humanity that they deserved hell, and that He'd be happy to send them there. No. He asked God to forgive them because they did not know what they were doing. He didn't say, "Father, they are killing the son of God, so make them suffer for it!" That's what I would have said. Actually, I would have asked for Him to let ME make them suffer.

In the words of Paul, Oh wretched man that I am!

I went to my husband and told him what was on my heart. We prayed together, and named all the names of everyone involved in throwing us into our pit. We prayed for God's blessing on their lives. We told God we forgave some for hurting us on purpose, and that we forgave others for not realizing how they hurt us. We asked for the strength to lay down the anger and never pick it up again. We asked for the grace to pray for them every time we were tempted to step back into our pit. We got really honest, and named names from our more distant past. The list was really long. My shame, very great. To think I had a right to hold on to my pain, and that I have been living in a pit for so long. How dirty my soul must look. How stuck in the mud of my pit before I looked to the only One who could pull me out, and clean me up.

He was waiting the whole time.

I do not know how He can love me, I sure do not deserve Him. I accept His love and forgiveness, however hard it is for me to grasp. Without Him, I would be in a pit forever, no better than it's dirt floor.