Happy at Home

When my husband and I were engaged, we went through the typical pre-marital counseling with my senior pastor, Jeff. The counseling was a great experience, and taught us valuable lessons that helped us as newlyweds and still help us today. We worked through a workbook together, prayed together, and even took a personality test. I would say almost everything that was said and done in that counseling was a good thing. Almost.

There was one session that is forever burned in my memory. Not the whole session, really, but a statement made by Jeff during the session. He asked us what we thought our greatest need in marriage would be. I think Nathan said companionship. Jeff told me that it would be my job to be Nathan's companion. My answer was security. I wasn't all that sure what I meant by that, other than I expected that in marriage I would feel safe. Jeff looked at Nathan and told him emphatically that his number one job as my husband would be to make sure I was safe, and that I felt safe. I'm sure Nathan and I thought that our declared jobs would be easy. We both heartily agreed to fulfill our jobs. To tell the truth, we just wanted to be done with the session so we could spend the day together.

Well, needless to say, the charge to Nathan to make sure I was safe and felt safe rang in my ears after we were married. Whenever I didn't feel safe, I figured that Nathan must not be doing his job.

When we first got married we lived in Augusta, just minutes from Nathan's parent's home. We rented his aunt's house for a small $350 per month. Nathan had plenty of immediate and extended family in Augusta, and I had no one close by. Yes, of course, I had my in-laws. But I mean I didn't have anyone from MY network. I had been living Columbia, SC for the past 5 years, so all my friends were there. And my family does not live close to Augusta.

Well, consider that my family is not tight-knit, but Nathan's is. And now I was part of his tight-knit family. I guess you could say that I was overwhelmed. I mean, when an in-law had a problem with any family member, they actually talked about it, and sometimes fought it out. Such communication was unheard of in my family. I took the adjustment into such an open environment very hard, and felt very unsafe. I figured Nathan wasn't doing what he was charged to do, make me feel safe.

Well, a year passed and we moved to Savannah for Nathan to go to school at the Savannah College of Art and Design (SCAD). Savannah was a good three hours from Augusta. A SAFE three hours. So, I figured Nathan had done his job, and I was happy.

Not long after moving to Savannah, we realized I needed to get a job worthy of a college education (not in foodservice, which is where I was). Afterall, rent in Savannah is more than $350 per month, and Nathan could not work full time and go to school full time. Not at SCAD. I had just finished a Masters Degree in Teaching English as a Foreign Language, but could not land a job in the field. So, I did some research and found out that the state of Georgia would let me teach school as long as I was working on a teaching certificate.

I got a job teaching in an inner-city school in Chatham County, and went to school at night to earn my certification. But you guessed it. The inner city school was violent. Teachers with a degree in teaching do not generally respect teachers without a degree in the field, and tend to treat them like classroom aides. So, I didn't feel safe. Guess who I thought wasn't doing his job again?

Two years passed, and money got tighter. My teaching salary and Nathan's pay wasn't bringing in enough money to live on. We chose to use credit instead of finding another route to cash. I began to feel very unsafe in our finances. At this point, I figured Nathan had forgotten that his was his job to make me feel safe.

I started to close up and withdraw. My work environment was getting worse, and our finances were getting worse. At the end of my second year of teaching, I found myself in professional counseling. I was an insecure basket case. For one, I thought that my self-worth had to do with how well I thrived in my job. I'll blog about that another time. For another thing, I thought the world could crumble at any moment because we depended on my paycheck. I felt that pressure so strongly, it threatened to break me. I didn't feel safe.

At the end of my third year of teaching, I was asked to take back my letter of intent. I had been sick that year and had two surgeries. The principal told me to tell future school systems that I took time off for my health, and promised to give me a positive recommendation for future employment in another school. You are a good teacher, he said. You just don't fit in here. Wow. I really did not feel safe.

About that time, I was introduced to a direct-sales cosmetics company. I dove head-long into that and LOVED it. I was good at it, and it was bringing in as much money as teaching had. I felt safe. Until my first month of slow sales. Then I got pregnant and was put on bed rest. kind of hard to sell makeup from a bed. So I had to lay that job aside. By that time, however, Nathan had a job making more money than me, so I felt relatively safe.

Then the baby was born, and Nathan was laid off.

Uh-oh.

But then something incredible began to happen. There we were, no savings to speak of, and very little severance coming our way. Despite all that was making me feel so unsafe, we continued to be safe.

Month after month passed, and we were eating and paying our bills.

Then one day, it hit me. We had lost all of our security. We lost our jobs, and we lost our support system. But we were still safe.

On our wedding day, my father-in-law prayed for Nathan and me. Amongst the things he prayed, he asked God to show Nathan that there were some things that he would never be able to do for me. He asked God to help Nathan to entrust me to Him, as the only one who could meet my needs. I didn't understand what Tim was talking about. I do now, though.

Some time last year I realized that it was never Nathan's job to make me feel safe. That was something I had to ask God for. And I realized that all those times that I didn't feel safe, I was safe, because God had never changed. James 1:17 states, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.”

Granted, we made some tragic mistakes with money. That is for another post. The point is that my security was never supposed to be found in my job, money, or Nathan. God has promised in His Word that he is our refuge in times of trouble, he knows all of our needs, and that He will take care of all of our needs (Psalm 46:1; Matthew 6:25-34).

I finally learned that only God can be God, and that it was wrong for me to ever expect my husband to fill a need that only God could fill.

So what does any of this have to do with the title for today's post, "Happy at Home"? Well, learning to find security in God and His Word makes days like today possible. Today was a particularly enjoyable day. Nathan and our daughter and I just stayed at home all day, enjoying one another. We are flat-broke, low on everything from gas to food, living without cable, or with any idea of when Nathan will get paid again by his small business. But you know what? I feel truly happy. And I feel safe. I trust God, that He is in charge. I trust Him that He keeps His Word. I believe that as long as He is what we want the most, and what we seek first, that our needs will be met.

I don't just feel safe. I know that I am safe.